Category Archives: Twelve Steps

Drunkalogue

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I never drank regularly until I was 29. (I’m almost 44 as of this writing.) I never drank in high school, did drink in college but no where near as much as most (and this was wayback when the drinking age was 18). I started drinking when I was living in southern California and became friends with people who drank. Not their fault, it seemed the thing to do, and so I did it.

For the first few years I was just a social drinker, then turned to alcohol as a solution to my troubles when a failed romance with a gorgeous lady preceded a job loss. Alcohol seemed to numb the pain, and I was in a lot of pain. I remember wanted to commit suicide. I wandered to a liquor store at 8:30AM where I was going to get something to wash down the sleeping pills I planned on getting at the nearby 7-11. The liquor store was closed so I walked over to the 7-11 to get the pills. I looked everywhere, including where I thought they’d be. Nope, nowhere. By this time I figured the liquor store was open, which it was, and I proceeded to buy a bottle (probably at least 2) of Captain Morgan’s Original Puerto Rican Spiced Rum. That was good, I forgot about the sleeping pills and for the next month Capt. Morgan was my companion for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

After this initial bout of practical alcoholism, I leveled out and became a functional alcoholic. I held various temp jobs, until I relocated home to be a caregiver for my elderly mother. The drinking was reduced for the next few years and was not noticeable by anyone. (Trust me on this, there were people around who would have loved to expose my drinking if they knew. I was not impaired while tending to Mom.)

I discovered a new and promising career after Mom got better, and I thought that things were going to be improved as the drinking was problematic at worse, lubrication and courage at best.

The new career was getting better. Making friends and getting a promotion seemed to prove I was getting established, albeit later than most. And the drinking didn’t seem to be in the way of anything.

The promotion became bad news. I was in over my head, and on a good day was treading water, on a bad day, sinking. Remembering the past, I turned more to alcohol for problem solving than for lubrication.

It was noticed once (on my breath), but I denied it and that was that for almost a half year. Eventually problems at work mounted, my response was more drinking. I drank when I woke up in the morning, I drank when I pulled into the company parking lot, I drank on breaks, during lunch, before meetings. This was obviously noticed, and took its toll. Eventually my denials were disbelieved. Falling asleep in the corporate cafeteria, in the men’s room, throwing up in the men’s room (heard outside), talking looooong lunches, irritable and erratic behavior was rendering moot my denials.

I was twice sent home early, both times escorted out of the building by veeps, and driven home by my superiors.

Eventually I was told to go to detox and rehab if I wanted to keep my job. I was assessed at a alcoholic treatment facility (yes, I have a problem) and they didn’t believe what I was doing to their breathalyzer. The BAC readings varied throughout the day. It went up. It went down. It went up. It went down. They had never heard of this. I couldn’t go home until I zero’ed out. They thought I had smuggled alcohol in. I didn’t. (There was some in the car, and I was worried about withdrawal.) Eventually I was transferred over to a place where I would have gone for detox, because they were open 24 hours, and I can stay there temporarily until I zero’ed out on their breathalyzer. But I was doing the same strange things to theirs. Eventually the BAC got below legal limit (but not zero) and I signed something waiving them of any responsibility in case I had an accident on the way home. I stilled any withdrawal symptoms when I got back to my car, and drove home.

Although I support any laws against drunk driving, and punishments for such can be as severe as society deems needed, I was one of those alcoholics that was able to drive while under the influence. Someone was watching over me, for whatever reason.

I rejected detox and rehab. I just felt that the rigidity of the controlled life in rehab (and the eventual halfway house) would not work for me. Years later when I saw the daily schedule of a Benedictine monastery, it reminded me of the rehab center’s schedule, only more libertine.

I lost the job, which was fine as I detested it (though I now enjoy the knowledge I learned which I find useful today. No, don’t ask what it was.) I started going to AA meetings. A family member found me a local daily meeting.

I went, listened, and read the literature. I love listening and reading. I am good at both. But I also loved drinking and kept doing it. Going to AA meetings was one way I could get out of the house to stop off at a liquor store and get vodka. Eventually, like after a few days, AA meetings stressed me and caused anxiety, so I had a few shots of vodka to get fortified before going in. It also gave me an infused knowledge of AA philosophy, which I shared at meetings. I could expound on AA.

After 7 months of this, the alcohol started taking its toll on my health. I was also making an increasingly bigger idiot at AA meetings. I was physically weak, and my drinking fell of as I found it difficult to drive to the liquor stores. I managed during days of some strength to get to one and stock up, but eventually I just could not do that. I went into withdrawal, had the D.T.’s and hallucinations (teeth falling out and later armadas of ambulances parading up and down my street, passing me by.) eventually a real one stopped, bound me up in a little white jacket and hauled me to the local hospital where I was a guest for 6 days and $10,500 (by now paid off, by my efforts).

That concluded my drinking career. (I relapsed 3 1/2 months later, but that’s a post for some other time.). I did not stop drinking because I did AA’s Step 1 (“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.”). I stopped drinking because I couldn’t get to a liquor store, and stayed mostly stopped because I dried out in the hospital. The relapse story can wait.

That’s it for now. Not as shocking or as scary as you’d find in AA literature or told in AA Newcomer meetings, but that’s my story. Thank you for reading.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Reconciliation

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From the Catechism of the Catholic Church:

1422 Those who approach the sacrament of Penance obtain pardon from God’s mercy for the offense committed against him, and are, at the same time, reconciled with the Church which they have wounded by their sins and which by charity, by example, and by prayer labors for their conversion.”


1423 It is called the sacrament of conversion because it makes sacramentally present Jesus’ call to conversion, the first step in returning to the Father from whom one has strayed by sin.
It is called the sacrament of Penance, since it consecrates the Christian sinner’s personal and ecclesial steps of conversion, penance, and satisfaction.


1424 It is called the sacrament of confession, since the disclosure or confession of sins to a priest is an essential element of this sacrament. In a profound sense it is also a “confession” – acknowledgment and praise – of the holiness of God and of his mercy toward sinful man.
It is called the sacrament of forgiveness, since by the priest’s sacramental absolution God grants the penitent “pardon and peace.” It is called the sacrament of Reconciliation, because it imparts to the sinner the live of God who reconciles: “Be reconciled to God.” He who lives by God’s merciful love is ready to respond to the Lord’s call: “Go; first be reconciled to your brother.”


We sin. We turn away from God. We use things intended for good in a bad way, or in a manner for which they were not prescribed. Whether it is a person, a place, or a thing, the way in which we use them can be for good or for ill. In choosing to do ill, we sin.

A relationship has been harmed. Our relationship with God, because we turned away from Him; with His Church because we violated Her precepts and rules, and with others because when we sin, as members of the Mystical Body of Christ, when one part is sick, the Body is wounded.

As alcoholics we have harmed ourselves by abusing our bodies and minds with liquor. We have harmed ourselves spiritually, mentally and physically. There is nothing moral or immoral about alcohol, it is a substance that can be used for pleasure and conviviality if not abused. The use of it can be immoral if that use is contrary to the intent. Something which can be pleasurable in the company of others becomes an exercise in selfishness when used in excess. Because in excess we are seeking to pleasure ourselves in a manner that is irresponsible.

In our drinking we have harmed others, whether family, friends, co-workers and employers. Relationships need to be healed and that will take time. Trust cannot be built quickly, it has to be earned over time. But the primary relationship that needs to be healed is with God.

In coming to Confession we acknowledge our sinful nature, our sins, and our humility. We go to a priest not just because it is required, but because the priest, acting in the person of Christ, is the only person that God can work through in the remission of the harmful effects of the sin to one’s self.

One can confess directly to God, but inasmuch that is a prayer, there is no guarantee that the prayer is answered to the penitent’s satisfaction. No absolution of sins is given with surety, and no penance is granted. It is much like committing a crime, then confessing one’s guilt to the judge, and then sentencing oneself. Only through the priest will one receive absolution and penance, and the sacramental graces that heals the soul harmed by sin.

Even 12 Step Programs acknowledge the need to go to another in confessing the misdeeds of the past. Step Five is “We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs”. Perhaps in admitting to another person our sins or misdeeds we are not just facing someone else with our wrongs, but facing our wrongs themselves, and acknowledging the harm they’ve done. Once we admit and recognize that, we are on the road to our healing. The sacramental graces strengthen our conversion and assist us in getting closer to God, and to others. Where were were spiritually sick, we are now healing.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Epiphany 2007

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On January 7th the Church celebrates Epiphany, the day of the manifestation of the birth of Lord to the world, as symbolized by the Magi, the “Three Wise Men” from the East. They saw something described as a star which led them to where Jesus lay in a stable, one light leading them to the Light of the world.

How can this be applied to an individual’s journey of sobriety? In the depths of our alcoholism, all seems dark. There appears to be no hope. Some wish for death. Some reach that point described as “the jumping off place”, that time in every alcoholic’s life where something happens and we decide that maybe not drinking is better than drinking. That continuing to drink will kill us, but in not drinking we may only wish we were dead.

We find our way to some treatment, whether it’s detox and rehab and then AA (or an alternative sobriety program), or just AA. This may be sufficient. After all, we have been delivered from the gripping decay of alcoholism, we are now “happy, joyous and free”, and lead new lives.

But is that it, to be just sober? Just to not drink? For some that is enough. Given the drinking life of before, to just get through a day without drinking is a tremendous improvement. To look at oneself in the mirror and like what is seen, to look other people in the eye when that couldn’t be done before, is enough.

But I ask again, is that enough? Is that what we were made for? Some great thing happened and our drinking stopped. A gift was given to us, the gift of sobriety. While for many that may be enough (and considering the years or decades of drinking and lives hurt, sufficient) I think that this gift of sobriety should not stop there for some of us, regardless of one’s drunkalogue.

As Jesus manifested into the world as its Light of Salvation, we can manifest our new sober lives in ways that mirror His mission of healing and responding and teaching and giving. We can be a light to other alcoholics and addicts.

For some that calling is fulfilled more than adequately by attendance at AA meetings and service work. Whether service means opening up the meeting place and making coffee or just cleaning up, to serving as a representative in the hierarchy that AA has developed over the decades, depends on the individual. But there are other ways of being a light to others than just giving back to AA, especially when AA may have been merely a tool used by Someone to get you on the road to following the Light of all people.

We are all individuals, each of us making up the Mystical Body of Christ, and as St. Paul had written the Body is made up of many parts, each with its own task. (1 Cor 12: 1-31) By meditating on our sobriety, and what got us there, we can better achieve what may be God’ s Will in our lives. It is AA’s Step 3 (Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him.) and Step 11 (Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out). Whether that is continued work with AA or another program, or branching out and using our newly sober lives elsewhere is the responsibility of the individual.

The Magi were not Jewish, and yet they sought out the prophesied King of the Jews. They were not bound by their (probable) Zoroastrian beliefs. I always wondered about that.

As Catholics, recovered from alcoholism and addiction, there is a wealth of sacramental and spiritual resources, free for the taking, for us to use in keeping sober and serene. To grow deeper spiritually in the Catholic Faith as a response to our sobriety is a treasure that cannot be kept to ourselves. It is a gift.

And we become gifts. We give ourselves to Christ, in service to Him and to others. And in doing so we help the Church grow.

Have a wonderful Epiphany.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Reversion story

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First, why I left the Church to begin with. I was a cradle Catholic, born, bred and educated. (Parochial school, K-8. Altar boy.) Although I believed everything taught me, I guess I segregated Catholicism to a corner of my life, and never used it as a filter through which everything is seen. If you live your Faith, then this is necessary, otherwise you’ll have a Faith with an Achilles’ heel. Anyway, I was going through a very bad period in life, kept praying for God to deliver me from it, and that never happened. I started doubting that God was listening, or even cared, and gradually turned to believing that religion was just a bunch of hooey designed as an instrument of control by the powerful, or used as a crutch by the weak. I left the Church and suddenly things started getting better.

So much for that.

Flash forward about 8 years when I was standing inside a bookstore and saw a copy of the new Catechism. “First one in 400 years,” the blurb on the cover said. I picked it up and read the first few paragraphs and was impressed by the writing. And so I bought it. Not that it was really significant as I was a “spiritual but not religious” seeker, and Catholicism was as good a target as any, and I thought I can just pick and choose amongst its teachings, like in a cafeteria. Glanced through it and put it aside, along with stuff on Zen and such. But a seed was planted.

Then a few months later my father died. I returned home for the funeral and despite having a few shots of vodka in me, I paid attention to the sermon. It seemed as if the priest was speaking to me. I do not remember what he said, but it seemed relevant and I had never really felt that way about any homily. The seed was watered.

A few months after that I moved back home to tend to my sick and elderly mother, and needed to go to Mass, not that I wanted too, but because I didn’t want to break her heart about how I felt about the Church. I went out of habit and not desire, and with the increasing alcoholism I paid attention less and depended on liquor more. This continued for several years and I guess during this time the seed was watered ever more. Mom probably suspected something and started praying the Divine Mercy Chaplet. She taught it to me with the daily airings on EWTN and especially on Divine Mercy Sunday. To my surprise I kept paying attention more. I still drank, but the seed planted years earlier was starting to take root.

I’ll skip over some things that’ll be covered in my ‘drunkalogue’ when I get to writing it within the next few days, but drinking got worse, I lost a nice job, developed health problems associated with drinking and ended up in the hospital. After leaving, I did nothing but watch EWTN, and read a lot of books that were laying about.

I had been going to AA meetings, but I knew early on that the brand of spirituality offered there was not going to do the job. I knew the 12 steps were going to help, but I needed something more that a vague concept of a “Higher Power”, which could be anything from God of your own making, to AA itself, to a tree stump. In the back of my mind I had known that if God was behind religion, and that religion was not a human construct, then Judeo-Christianity was it, as expressed by the Catholic Church. Bear in mind that I never doubted or disbelieved in God. Atheism was never an option. The idea that all of what you see about you and out to a few billion light-years just came into being on its own accord is ludicrous. But that’s another post for some other time. And so the seed sprouted and started to grow.

AA’s Step Three reads “Made a decision to turn your will and your life over to the care of God, as you understood Him.” OK, I figured that with 2,000 years of history, the Church understood God better than I ever could. And despite its history it is still around, which tells me that Someone wants it around. You cannot explain that why with all the bad leadership from time to time, schism, heresy, scandal and corruption, a plague or two, wars, invading hordes, how the Church survives. Therefore I can hardly do better than to come full around and start attending Mass willingly, and going to Confession regularly and accept the Catholic Church as the One, Holy, Catholic (i.e. Universal) and Apostolic Faith established by Jesus Christ to teach and defend His Gospel. Step 3 implies that there is no reservation, no holding back, which eliminated any “picking and choosing”. No “cafeteria Catholic” here.

And so that’s that. Been sober continuously since May 22, 2002, and shortly thereafter started willingly going to Mass (daily, sometimes!!) and Confession every 2-3 weeks.

I’ve been hit with 2×4’s on occasion since, namely my Mom’s death in November 2005, and the Faith has pulled me through. So my reversion wasn’t due to vulnerability, ‘soft-headedness’ or any such thing. If that were so, then it would have collapsed.

That’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)