Category Archives: Suicide

Why did God make you?

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And the answer to that question from the first volume of the old “Baltimore Catechism” (the 4 volumes of which educated millions of American Catholics until the 1960’s) is:

“God made me to know Him, to love Him, and to serve Him in this world, and to be happy with Him forever in the next.”

God made you because He loves you and wants you to return that love now and forever. Period. That’s it. That is why God made you. He didn’t make you to be rich, to be knowledgeable in the “ways of the world”, or to be materially successful. Some of those things are good, depending on how they are used. But those aren’t contained in the question nor it’s answer.

The question and answer is rooted in Sacred Scripture, if you read Genesis 1 and 2 and understand what happened in Genesis 3. God made us in perfect union with Him, and loved us so much that He gave us Free Will so that we can freely return that love. Under the deception of Satan, we decided that we can find fulfillment outside of that love and that we can be “just like God” in determining what is good and evil. This ruptured our relationship with Him, and the World and it’s ways largely became our focus. We are not God, and our stewardship of this planet proves that. Only Jesus Christ repaired our relationship with Him, but the effects of Satan’s deception still afflicts our planet.

Now, back to the question and its answer. Our sole reason for being is to know, love and serve God here and now, and then to be happy with Him forever in Heaven. The pursuit of worldly glory and material power and advantage are contrary to this reason. Even, in my opinion, the need for satisfaction on a more ordinary and mundane level.

Think about that question and its answer next time you feel unloved, unwanted, unneeded, irrelevant. The next time you feel like a loser or a failure, or because you are an alcoholic or drug or porn addict and that you are unworthy of God’s love, or anyone else’s, consider that question and answer.

I quite often feel as if I am a failure, a loser and a screw-up. That is because of my alcoholism and its derailment of my life and career and the financial cost, and the stigma associated with it. If I never picked up that first drink, I would be a few tens of thousands of dollars richer (cost of booze, lost income, hospitalization, etc.) and probably a homeowner (of my late parent’s house, or maybe some other purchased by myself and whomever I might have married had I not preferred vodka, tequila and rum to blondes, brunettes and redheads).

But I cannot dwell on that. That is the world talking. Focusing on the question and its answer takes me away from those feelings and helps me get more oriented on my value merely as a child of God. That as long as I “know Him”, meaning I pray to Him, meditate on Him and read His Bible; “love Him”, meaning I keep His Commandments and follow His Church; “serve Him”, meaning that I do His will in all things (put God first, other people second, and myself last), I will stand a good chance at “being with Him forever in the next.”

All the struggles and failures in this life will have some enduring meaning as they form the person I am now, but if I nail them to the Cross of Christ they will be transformed from the miserable things the world says they are into something else.

We don’t know why any one of us is an alcoholic or an addict. There are theories as to genetics, upbringing, psychological disorders and such, but that is irrelevant. We are what we are and God permitted it for a reason. Evil is permitted because of free will, but God’s influence in the world draws good out of evil. Evil may be in the happening, the event or the occurrence, but good lies in the response.

We can be defeated by whatever it was that happened, we can be defeated by how we are made, but we can rise above it and make the most out of it. I started this blog because of my alcoholism and as an attempt to help others who are Catholic (or seeking Catholicism) deal with their alcoholism in accord with the Faith. I hope to do more than just this.

Regardless of how miserable you think you are, the basis of that misery is temporary. It is not what you are. It will not endure, unless you allow it. It is not insurmountable. Some people resort to suicide because they think it is the way out. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Trust that the seeds of your own “resurrection” lie in the dying and death of your addicted life. The old life dies and a new one is born. We alcoholics and addicts are lucky in a way: we have two lives contained in one lifetime. It is our responsibility to makes certain that the first lifetime bears some meaning in the new.

The entire Baltimore Catechism is available from Gutenberg. Go to here and the Catholic Digital Studio will take you there. At CDS see under “Catechesis: Learning the Catholic Faith”, under “Basic Catechesis” you’ll find Volumes 1 & 2, under “Intermediate Catechesis” you’ll find Volumes 3 & 4.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Admin stuff

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Adding “Suicide” as a label to some old posts. I’m not contemplating it, but a post currently being written and edited refers to it which reminded me that there are old posts which also discuss it. Just in case anyone else out there is thinking…

Also in case anyone subscribes and wonders why old posts are in the feed.

I’m at home all day… car in shop. Oil change, two new tires, AC fixed. $$$ :-O.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Jumping off place

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Every alcoholic eventually arrives at a bottom. It is different for each, for some it could be the loss of house, spouse, job, money, health and respect. For others it could merely be the threat of those losses. Something happens at which point the alcoholic decides, “This cannot go on.” It is that point at which the alcoholic decides that maybe not drinking is better than drinking. “If I continue to drink I will die.” Or, “If I stop drinking, I may just wish I were dead.”

At any rate, the alcoholic is at a crossroads. AA’s basic text, the so-called “Big Book”calls it the “Jumping off place”. It is that point at which the alcoholic decides between life or death. It may not be an easy decision, some fight with it and manage to struggle for years before finally choosing (or have the choice made for them).

Choosing life is the path to recovery from alcohol and sobriety. It is also the path back into the Father’s loving embrace as you seek His help in staying free from alcohol.

It is a choice made in today’s Gospel reading, “The Parable of the Prodigal Son” See Luke 15:11-32. The Gospel contains a verse (#17): “Coming to his senses he thought…”. This implies the son had reached a decision after some thought. He had squandered his inheritance from his father, lived as a lowly servant feeding pigs, and envied the pigs. You would think he wouldn’t take too long in deciding the right course of action, but human pride is a strange thing. Some have trouble admitting to having made bad decisions, they would rather continue on the destructive course they are on. Perhaps a form of suicide. He eventually chose to return to his father and plead for mercy and forgiveness, accepting whatever he would receive.

Rather than receiving punishment and chastisement, the son was most warmly welcomed and embraced back into the fold of his father’s house.

So to, are we received by our Father in Heaven, when we come to our senses by whatever means we arrive at, repent and ask forgiveness. We drank and hurt Him, others and ourselves. We stop and begin the painful process to picking up our lives and amending it.

If you are reading this and are an alcoholic, perhaps you have hit bottom and have made the decision to choose life. You found this blog perhaps because you were seeking tools to help in your continued recovery. That is wonderful, I do hope this place helps. Or perhaps you have yet to reach that point, and still think you do not have a problem or can handle it on your own. Your decision-making process is affected by your drinking, listen to the voices around you who may be telling you things about your behavior. Take a cold, hard look at life. Has it always been this way? perhaps things were terrible before you began drinking, but how are they now, compared to those times?

Have you come to your senses?

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Drunkalogue

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I never drank regularly until I was 29. (I’m almost 44 as of this writing.) I never drank in high school, did drink in college but no where near as much as most (and this was wayback when the drinking age was 18). I started drinking when I was living in southern California and became friends with people who drank. Not their fault, it seemed the thing to do, and so I did it.

For the first few years I was just a social drinker, then turned to alcohol as a solution to my troubles when a failed romance with a gorgeous lady preceded a job loss. Alcohol seemed to numb the pain, and I was in a lot of pain. I remember wanted to commit suicide. I wandered to a liquor store at 8:30AM where I was going to get something to wash down the sleeping pills I planned on getting at the nearby 7-11. The liquor store was closed so I walked over to the 7-11 to get the pills. I looked everywhere, including where I thought they’d be. Nope, nowhere. By this time I figured the liquor store was open, which it was, and I proceeded to buy a bottle (probably at least 2) of Captain Morgan’s Original Puerto Rican Spiced Rum. That was good, I forgot about the sleeping pills and for the next month Capt. Morgan was my companion for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

After this initial bout of practical alcoholism, I leveled out and became a functional alcoholic. I held various temp jobs, until I relocated home to be a caregiver for my elderly mother. The drinking was reduced for the next few years and was not noticeable by anyone. (Trust me on this, there were people around who would have loved to expose my drinking if they knew. I was not impaired while tending to Mom.)

I discovered a new and promising career after Mom got better, and I thought that things were going to be improved as the drinking was problematic at worse, lubrication and courage at best.

The new career was getting better. Making friends and getting a promotion seemed to prove I was getting established, albeit later than most. And the drinking didn’t seem to be in the way of anything.

The promotion became bad news. I was in over my head, and on a good day was treading water, on a bad day, sinking. Remembering the past, I turned more to alcohol for problem solving than for lubrication.

It was noticed once (on my breath), but I denied it and that was that for almost a half year. Eventually problems at work mounted, my response was more drinking. I drank when I woke up in the morning, I drank when I pulled into the company parking lot, I drank on breaks, during lunch, before meetings. This was obviously noticed, and took its toll. Eventually my denials were disbelieved. Falling asleep in the corporate cafeteria, in the men’s room, throwing up in the men’s room (heard outside), talking looooong lunches, irritable and erratic behavior was rendering moot my denials.

I was twice sent home early, both times escorted out of the building by veeps, and driven home by my superiors.

Eventually I was told to go to detox and rehab if I wanted to keep my job. I was assessed at a alcoholic treatment facility (yes, I have a problem) and they didn’t believe what I was doing to their breathalyzer. The BAC readings varied throughout the day. It went up. It went down. It went up. It went down. They had never heard of this. I couldn’t go home until I zero’ed out. They thought I had smuggled alcohol in. I didn’t. (There was some in the car, and I was worried about withdrawal.) Eventually I was transferred over to a place where I would have gone for detox, because they were open 24 hours, and I can stay there temporarily until I zero’ed out on their breathalyzer. But I was doing the same strange things to theirs. Eventually the BAC got below legal limit (but not zero) and I signed something waiving them of any responsibility in case I had an accident on the way home. I stilled any withdrawal symptoms when I got back to my car, and drove home.

Although I support any laws against drunk driving, and punishments for such can be as severe as society deems needed, I was one of those alcoholics that was able to drive while under the influence. Someone was watching over me, for whatever reason.

I rejected detox and rehab. I just felt that the rigidity of the controlled life in rehab (and the eventual halfway house) would not work for me. Years later when I saw the daily schedule of a Benedictine monastery, it reminded me of the rehab center’s schedule, only more libertine.

I lost the job, which was fine as I detested it (though I now enjoy the knowledge I learned which I find useful today. No, don’t ask what it was.) I started going to AA meetings. A family member found me a local daily meeting.

I went, listened, and read the literature. I love listening and reading. I am good at both. But I also loved drinking and kept doing it. Going to AA meetings was one way I could get out of the house to stop off at a liquor store and get vodka. Eventually, like after a few days, AA meetings stressed me and caused anxiety, so I had a few shots of vodka to get fortified before going in. It also gave me an infused knowledge of AA philosophy, which I shared at meetings. I could expound on AA.

After 7 months of this, the alcohol started taking its toll on my health. I was also making an increasingly bigger idiot at AA meetings. I was physically weak, and my drinking fell of as I found it difficult to drive to the liquor stores. I managed during days of some strength to get to one and stock up, but eventually I just could not do that. I went into withdrawal, had the D.T.’s and hallucinations (teeth falling out and later armadas of ambulances parading up and down my street, passing me by.) eventually a real one stopped, bound me up in a little white jacket and hauled me to the local hospital where I was a guest for 6 days and $10,500 (by now paid off, by my efforts).

That concluded my drinking career. (I relapsed 3 1/2 months later, but that’s a post for some other time.). I did not stop drinking because I did AA’s Step 1 (“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.”). I stopped drinking because I couldn’t get to a liquor store, and stayed mostly stopped because I dried out in the hospital. The relapse story can wait.

That’s it for now. Not as shocking or as scary as you’d find in AA literature or told in AA Newcomer meetings, but that’s my story. Thank you for reading.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)