I went to Confession tonight before Vigil Mass and we had a different priest (a visiting priest from somewhere as ours is in Rome on pilgrimage.) 

This priest was one of those who talked a little after you finished reciting your sins and how many times you committed them. He said something that will remain with me until the day I die. I’ll paraphrase as I don’t remember his exact wording:

“God loves you, despite whatever sins you’ve committed; remember that: God loves you despite everything. However, (and this is the part that’s going to ‘remain with me until the day I die’) our sins hinder our experience of God’s love.”

Wow. I never thought of it that way. I know that sins block or inhibit God’s graces (mortal sins cut you off completely from Divine grace; venial sins clog up the channels of grace like cholesterol does in the bloodstream) but I never really viewed it in the manner of “hindering our experience” of God’s love. I mean, I know that God always loves me no matter what, but I think I conceived of that in a more abstract way, like He loves me but when in deep sin His love is still there, but not a very active way. Sort of like when you love your spouse or child or friend or whoever but when they really tick you off  you’re  a little cool towards them for a while, even though you still love still them.

God is better than that. He’s bigger than your sins and while it is true that sin blocks the flow of grace (that free gift of spiritual help, succor, and support from God) His love is still present and ready to manifest itself when you repent and turn back. God is unchanging. God’s love for you is eternal: even if you were damned and you find yourself in Hell, God still loves you (as shown by His respecting your free will choices in life of rejecting Him and His will and law. True, real, love does not force itself on anyone who doesn’t want it. You avoid God, avoid Church, avoid praying, adopt a purely secular life and viewpoint, mock religion and belief, then the consequences of your decisions land you in Hell. You didn’t want to pay any attention to God during your lifetime, you expect to send eternity with Him in Heaven? Many saints have written that the pains of Hell is the pain of Loss of God: that at the moment of death you experience God face-to-face and that marks your soul somehow; and if you merit Hell, the sudden loss of that vision of God and “what could have been yours forever, the possession and knowledge and vision of God” is the pain, like fire, of Hell. 

Anyway, this “hindering our experience” of God’s love is an important point for us sober Catholics to consider. I’ve written numerous times and you must have read it countless times elsewhere in your spiritual reading that addiction is a “hole in the soul” that we addicts and alcoholics fill with the wrong stuff. Drugs, liquor, pornography, whatever: we seek God but in all the wrong places. God loves us through all of this, but the actions of that love is missed by us. Sometimes when we are in a rally dark place we finally see it and then our recovery begins.

But when we try to fill that hole in our soul with something other than God, or when we persist in a chronic, repeated sin (which may or may not be an addiction, but is an inordinate desire for something contrary to our good) we experience not God’s love, but our own self-love. By ‘self-love’ I do not refer to the healthy kind that is a positive, well-balanced self-assessment; the decent, well-ordered self-esteem kind. I mean that love which puts self-gratification and self-will first; it could be narcissistic; at any rate, it is inward directed as opposed to “other directed,” the “other” being other people. 

Think about that. Imagine how transformed our lives could become if we just made a “fearless and searching” examination of conscience, took a long, hard look at our sins, especially those we routinely confess every time we go, and saw how those sins are a search for God’s love but in the wrong places. We can then petition the Holy Spirit to help us turn to God whenever we seek something other than Him.

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