Category Archives: Resentment

Novena through St. Maximilian Kolbe – Day 4

Posted on by

Once again, we continue with this, the 4th Day of our Novena through St. Maximilian Kolbe. As usual, go here and read the prayer while thinking about a loved one who is struggling with addiction, and then contemplate the following:

This would have been my father’s 95th birthday. He died in 1995. I didn’t really grieve over him as we didn’t get along much, plus whatever”grieving” I did was drowned or expressed in alcohol. He was not an alcoholic. The honor of being the “family drunk” goes to me.

My last conversation with him was an argument. It doesn’t matter what it was about. But about 2-3 weeks later I received the phone call from Mom that he had died. I was asked to call a brother of mine as they were having trouble reaching him.

My brother and I hadn’t been on speaking terms ever since I moved out on him 2 1/2 years before. He had been upset that I did unto him (moving) what he was planning on doing unto me. I left a message on his voice mail to “Call home, it’s about Dad.”

This led to a reconciliation of sorts between us that lasted for a decade. We don’t talk much now, but that can change. There was never any reconciliation between my father and I, but that really doesn’t matter anymore.

The reason that doesn’t matter anymore is I do feel that my father is in Heaven, and that he has been observing events in my life and the family’s life as a part of that “great cloud of witnesses” described in Hebrews;

Hebrews 12:1-2

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us rid ourselves of every burden and sin that clings to us and persevere in running the race that lies before us while keeping our eyes fixed on Jesus, the leader and perfecter of faith. For the sake of the joy that lay before him he endured the cross, despising its shame, and has taken his seat at the right of the throne of God.

He knows what’s going on and he understands why I’ve done things that I did. Plus, any flaws or imperfections of the self that he retained at death were purged from him in Purgatory (as nothing impure can enter Heaven) and there is no longer any reason on my part to hold any resentment against him for anything he did.

The thing is, one shouldn’t wait until after the finality of death to “reconcile” with a loved one. The person that you are praying for in the Novena is a loved one (or once was). That person could die in their addiction, and no chance of a happy life with you would be possible. As hard as it is, it is acknowledged that trust may be hard for you to grant that person. So don’t trust them for now. Wait until they’ve earned it. You do have the right to withhold trust until you feel safe enough to grant it.

But you can love that person. Never withhold that. Love conquers all things, or so I’ve read somewhere. It can heal. And it can heal both ways. To the addict it can be a lifeline, and for you it can heal the wounds inflicted upon you by the addict or alcoholic.

So, take heed the writer of Hebrews admonition to “…let us rid ourselves of every burden and sin that clings to us and persevere in running the race that lies before us while keeping our eyes fixed on Jesus…” Jesus can help you love. Gaze upon Him on the Cross. That’s love. You needn’t get crucified, but you can nail your anger and resentments to that Cross.

Go to the sidebar and under “Labels” and look up “Forgiveness”. Read those posts at your convenience.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Resentment

Posted on by

I was in Holy Hour last night and chanced upon a passage from Genesis:

Genesis 4:6-7
So the LORD said to Cain: “Why are you so resentful and crestfallen?
If you do well, you can hold up your head; but if not, sin is a demon lurking at the door: his urge is toward you, yet you can be his master.”

Setting aside the whole thing about Cain and the First Murder, this passage offers an interesting comment on the dangers of resentment.

To resent something means to relive a hurt or wrong done unto you and to nurture that feeling.

It is seductive as it can make you feel like a “victim” and worthy of pity and therefore a just reason for keeping the wound bleeding.

It is dangerous as it will weaken your sobriety as you will lack serenity (or stable emotional well-being). It is also dangerous as it may cause you to sin. Resentment will open the door to a temptation to sin and Satan is always on the prowl looking for a weakness to exploit and thus lead you away from God.

Get over it, or if that’s honestly too hard, work towards getting over it. In a way, the fact that the next scene in Genesis 4 involves Cain murdering his brother Abel is appropriate. Sin can be a deadly thing, particularly if is a mortal one. See 1 John 5:16 –

If anyone sees his brother sinning, if the sin is not deadly, he should pray to God and he will give him life. This is only for those whose sin is not deadly. There is such a thing as deadly sin, about which I do not say that you should pray.

Remember:

1 Peter 5:8 –

Be sober and vigilant. Your opponent the devil is prowling around like a roaring lion looking for (someone) to devour.

Don’t let yourself get devoured.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Forgive

Posted on by

On Monday I went for a drive to visit my parent’s graves and just as I was heading down the street I had to stop to avoid this other driver going the opposite way. He had briefly swung into my lane to get around a line of parked cars. I think that I had the right-of way as my lane was clear and he was obligated to stop and wait for me to get past him before he moved into my lane. Not a big deal as it wasn’t a near collision, we were far enough apart along the road. But a little bit of irritation with him rose up briefly that was squelched by the word:

Forgive.

It sprang up unbidden, just wafted up from my unconscious and hung there. Not that there was much to forgive but it was interesting nonetheless. Perhaps if I was more angry the word never would have had a chance at breaking through the emotion. But it saw an opportunity and it took it.

My usual automatic reaction would be one of annoyance or irritation or a whole host of nasty thoughts. The dark detritus just emerges and hangs around like toxic waste just poisoning my mood. Frequent negative thoughts fight through and hang about, and from what I gather this is common to most people.

But I was curious as to why the word forgive just popped up and nestled in my brain instead of the brief annoyance or irritation just planting itself, taking root and growing into a monster vine of resentment at other people and how dumb they are.

So I took it upon myself in this drive of which the original destination (the cemetery) turned out to be a brief stop and not the destination, and pondered the notion that forgive was my reaction, and not something meaner, despite the minor offense of the other driver.

I ended up thinking that maybe I can embark upon yet another round of focused spiritual development, of interior conversion centered around training me to have forgive as an automatic reaction rather than a negative one that normally festers. I’ve done this before successfully in my 5 years of sobriety. The AA “Big Book” mentions some things about anger and resentment being “red flags”. And so I, over the course of time, tried to recognize these “red flags” as they arose and strike them quickly. It works. It took time and effort, but eventually I became a less outwardly angry and irritable person. At least I think so. Working on “impatience” as much the same way. As before, when I felt rising anger, irritation and resentment building up that I tried to get rid of, feelings of impatience also were dealt with similarly.

I still get angry, annoyed, irritated and impatient, but they don’t define me. At least I hope so.

Anyway, back to forgive.

So I thought about the effects of going about the day keeping in mind that in any given instance I might have my feathers ruffled, for real or imagined. This post has been bouncing around my head since Monday’s drive, time to get it out on paper. Or electrons. 🙂

It seems to work. Whenever there is an instance where someone bothered me (again, specifics don’t matter, just go about your day and reflect on how many times people seem to irritate you, and they probably aren’t even aware.) It was like a mantra, just thinking forgive.

It has a healing effect. It immediately soothes. Instead of a rising negative attitude that may be sustained for a few minutes or hours, it quickly quiets them. All this repeated negative detritus just accumulates and poisons your soul. Repeating forgive gets you over it quickly.

I am melancholic. Which means I have a tendency towards being sensitive and dwelling on things, along with a certain bit of nostalgia. That sometimes makes for an unhealthy combination in which things from the past get dredged up and dwelt upon. Sometimes from the faraway past. Just repeating forgive helps soften the pain. To me, it was as if I was automatically releasing it (whatever it was) to God.

The repetition of forgive also helps interrupt the flow of the negative thoughts. This is related to something I had posted before, I forget which post, about why AA’s attend meetings when they feel like they may be about to relapse. The idea is that you relapse sometime before you actually take that drink, but meeting attendance, if that’s the best tool you have, interrupts the sequence of thoughts leading to the drink. Even if all the AA did was attend the meeting, regardless of the topic, the environment was enough to stifle the continued flow of thoughts which would have led to the action of taking a drink.

Same for thinking the word forgive. It immediately interrupts the self-righteous, indignant feelings that arise when you are wronged, regardless of how serious, regardless of whether the injury was intended or just accidental, or real or imagined. (You know what I mean, someone looks at you the wrong way, or they’re talking quietly to themselves and you think the muttering is about you. You’re not as important to the World as you think, they may not even be aware that you were passing through their field of vision when a stray thought of theirs caused them to do whatever it was they did. And maybe it was an upsurge of negative thoughts! HA!)

Just let it go. It isn’t worth mulling over. It isn’t worth wasting time holding onto the resentment of a momentary irritation, or some wrongdoing someone wrought upon you the other day or some time ago. Just forgive.

We Christians know how to forgive. Turn it over to God, let Him deal with it and you just cut the emotional ties to the event. Stop feeding the monster. If you persist in nurturing the resentment, it’s as if you are climbing up on God’s judgment seat and condemning the other person. That’s God’s job, assuming He agrees with you. He might not. If you are a Catholic Christian, in your examination of conscience that you do prior to Confession, analyze what you may have done in your relations with the other person to have caused the incident. (That’s part of humility. Never assume you’re entirely innocent.) Then confess it and work on your firm purpose of amendment to not do that ever again. Don’t feel self-righteous about another’s behavior towards you. “How dare they?” You’ve probably caused your fair share of unintentional and unwitting grief as well.

This repetition of the word forgive whenever something irritating is done by somebody is also done unconditionally. You don’t debate who’s right or who’s wrong. It’s easy enough to sweep away the garbage when the rising emotion comes from a routine going on about the day and there’s a host of attitudinal and emotional bumping and grinding. (Like the driver way back in the beginning of this post. Wow, that’s way back up there!) It’s another when there is a rupture of some degree and there is genuine hurt. This was touched upon in yesterday’s post.

You may refer to Matthew 18:21-22 “Then Peter approaching asked him, “Lord, if my brother sins against me, how often must I forgive him? As many as seven times?”

Jesus answered, “I say to you, not seven times but seventy-seven times.”

Jesus was using a common Hebrew shorthand of using multiples to mean “a lot” or, “a long time”. You forgive as often as you need to. As often as you are wronged.

Forgive anyway. It is tough, and o
ften might not be immediately possible, but is necessary eventually.

There is also something perhaps uniquely Christian about just saying forgive. It is self-sacrificial. This is the unconditional part from 2 paragraphs up. You are not counting the cost to yourself, nor determining who’s right or wrong. In any rupture, both sides can be held accountable. Even the person wronged, perhaps. (I mean interpersonal conflicts, slights, offenses. Not crimes.)

Think of Matthew 5:38-45 “You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, offer no resistance to one who is evil. When someone strikes you on (your) right cheek, turn the other one to him as well. If anyone wants to go to law with you over your tunic, hand him your cloak as well. Should anyone press you into service for one mile, go with him for two miles. Give to the one who asks of you, and do not turn your back on one who wants to borrow.

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your heavenly Father, for he makes his sun rise on the bad and the good, and causes rain to fall on the just and the unjust.”

Therefore, you are in essence, “turning the other cheek” when you think or say forgive. You are not making an accounting to settle with later. You are turning it over.

Forgive is healing in another way. As you go about the day uttering to yourself forgive automatically whenever the heat of rising irritation begins to bubble towards the caldera of your mind, and those times when you forgive the really big hurts that have been inflicted on you, you notice that you heal in another manner.

You begin to forgive yourself. Sometime by this weekend I plan to post something I thought of during the priest’s sermon last Sunday. The post (title unknown yet) concerns concupiscence (look it up) and self-esteem. Anyway, we all hurt. Much of it is self-inflicted. Many times we are harder on ourselves than we are on other people. We tend not to forgive ourselves. As we repeatedly utter to ourselves the word forgive it gets easier to ignore slights, real or perceived, committed against us by others. But it also should make it easier to forgive ourselves. For anything. No matter how long ago. As long as you also take care of it in sacramental confession, presuming it’s a sin, jettisoning the negative emotional dreck should become easier.

Forgive, then, works then simultaneously on inside, as well as on outside, threats. As you learn to forgive others, and become more accustomed to it, you get used to doing it for yourself. This doesn’t absolve you of any responsibility towards making amends to people you’ve hurt, but in the possibility of no reconciliation, it’s a good way to complete the healing.

Don’t forget some of Jesus’s final words spoken from the Cross:

Luke 23:33-34

When they came to the place called the Skull, they crucified him and the criminals there, one on his right, the other on his left.

Then Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, they know not what they do.” They divided his garments by casting lots.

He was dying, up there. God, a common criminal. And yet he forgave them. Of course, He’s God, He can do that. But it was a lesson to us. An important one. If He can forgive what was done to Him, who are we to decide that we cannot?

Forgive.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Reconciliation and Forgiveness

Posted on by

An excerpt from the Gospel of Thursday in the Tenth Week of Ordinary Time: (yes, I know it’s Tuesday of the Eleventh Week of Ordinary Time, but I’ve been busy. This Gospel passage triggered some things to think about, and I had to go about and think of them before writing this post. There will be 2 more posts on the subjects of forgiveness and reconciliation that I hope to get to today, or if not, then tomorrow. Besides, the Church exists partly outside of Time, that being the “Church Triumphant” in Heaven. And since we are connected to the saints in Heaven by way of the Communion of Saints, it doesn’t really matter that sometimes I’m late with a reading from a particular day. 😉 )

Matthew 5:23-26;

Therefore, if you bring your gift to the altar, and there recall that your brother has anything against you,leave your gift there at the altar, go first and be reconciled with your brother, and then come and offer your gift.
Settle with your opponent quickly while on the way to court with him. Otherwise your opponent will hand you over to the judge, and the judge will hand you over to the guard, and you will be thrown into prison.
Amen, I say to you, you will not be released until you have paid the last penny.

This concerns reconciliation with a person who has a grievance against you. For the purposes of this post, it doesn’t matter if the grievance is legitimate or even who is guilty. There exists a situation between you and another, and that situation must be cleared up before you can make an acceptable offering to God. An offering of prayer, or of yourself, whatever. You need to engage in something with God, an that will be impure and unacceptable until you have cleared the slate with another.

This is incidentally the basis for the Catholic teaching that you must confess all known mortal sins in sacramental confession before receiving Holy Communion, and why you must, if you’re thinking of returning to the Church, meet with a priest so he can help clear the way.

You reconcile. There is a thing between you and another, and that situation also would cause harm in your relationship with God. It must go. It is “clogging the pipes” through which grace flows to you. You meet with the other (when you can) and settle the difference. If the offer is rejected, and you’ve made and honest and sincere attempt, then you forgive and move on. You’ve done your part. The failure is now between the other and God.

Forgive means to break the emotional hold something has over you. In the previous paragraph, you tried to settle with the other and it was rejected. The hurt remains, the situation still exists. The other refuses to accept your offering to settle, nothing more can be done. You’ve been wronged, but it still has a hold on you. Get over it. It’ll take time, but to forgive means to release the situation, it is out of your hands and exists in the pasts. To not forgive means that the situation will still remain a part of you, although it existed back in the past. It becomes a resentment, a wrongdoing nurtured and sustained by the wounded.

It serves no useful purpose. It hinders your forward spiritual development and harms your developing relationships. It wears you down.

Turn it over to God. Let Him deal with it. By whatever means necessary, whether by prayer, some symbolic action, or just not thinking about it, try and no longer enable the event or transgression to have a hold on you. Divorce your emotions connected with the memory from the memory. No regrets, you’ve done all you could, it’s time to let go and move on. It will take time. Keep trying.

Another Gospel excerpt: Matthew 6:12, 14-15;

and forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors…
If you forgive others their transgressions, your heavenly Father will forgive you.
But if you do not forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your transgressions.

This is part of the Lord’s Prayer, as told in Matthew. It simply means that if you do not forgive others who have wronged you, do not expect mercy from God for any wrongs you have committed. It makes sense. You have no business asking for mercy if you are not willing to extend it. This is related to the first Gospel excerpt concerning the need to reconcile with another before attempting to enter into something with God.

Forgiveness and reconciliation is healthy, mentally. All sorts of junk is tossed away.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Symbolism and Spirituality of Cleaning

Posted on by

There is an inherent symbolic and spiritual aspect of cleaning.

Think about it.

Whether it’s dishes or laundry, you have a stack or pile of stuff that’s dirty. You submit them to a cleansing process and afterwards they are clean, free of anything and everything that soiled or dirtied them before.

Sort of like our souls before and after sacramental Confession. The graces of God that flow to us through the priest cleanse our souls, and make us as new as the day of our baptism.

There is also a therapeutic side to cleaning. You can mentally force a symbolism onto things laying about in a messy residence, weeds in a garden, or the pile of dirty clothes and stack of dishes. Each item that needs to be removed or cleaned off can represent a resentment, an envy or anger, or something bad that disconnects us from God and others. Imagine the resentment going away as things get more organized. As you forgive.

Thinking of cleaning in this manner is somewhat better than regarding it as a chore or drudgery.

Anyone that knows me is aware of a connection between my state of life and how well the apartment looks.

I’ve been doing a lot of cleaning and organizing lately.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

A whole lot of forgiving going on

Posted on by

In the Gospel from today’s Mass, Peter poses a question:

Matthew 18:21-22

Then Peter approaching asked him, “Lord, if my brother sins against me, how often must I forgive him? As many as seven times?”
Jesus answered, “I say to you, not seven times but seventy-seven times.”

Jesus then goes on with the parable of the servant who was to be sold along with wife and family and possessions to pay off a debt, then begged and received forgiveness. In turn, this same servant failed to show the same leniency in forgiving a debt that he was owed. He paid for his lack of forgiveness. (Read the full Gospel reading at Matthew 18:21-35.)

What does this mean for us sober alcoholics? Quite simple, as we have made amendments to God and to others for our past wrongdoings and have sought and perhaps received forgiveness, so must we show forgiveness to others for their transgressions against us.

In cruder terms, we screw-ups generally recognize such behavior in others and should be more forgiving of it. We’ve been there, we’ve done that. How can we, of all people, sit in judgment of others?

As Christians, we can judge another’s behavior to a degree, but we cannot judge the person. In judging another’s actions, we must be charitable and understanding of that person’s dignity as a child of God. We do not tolerate and condone sinful behavior, we just retain awareness that we also were gravely sinful, and caution others in a loving manner of what we see as a wrong.

We sinned. We’ve asked forgiveness. We’ve received it. Others sin against us, and whether they ask for it or not, we forgive them. This cuts the bond that the trangression holds over us. As the servant in the parable failed to forgive the debt owed to him, and as a result was sent to prison to be tortured for his treatment of the other servant, so too, will our lack of forgiveness be like a prison of torture for us, as long as we hold onto the resentment over the action.

It goes deeper. In the Lord’s Prayer, also known as the “Our Father”, which is said at the end of many AA meetings in North America, there are the words: “…forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.”

In other words, there is more to forgiveness than merely releasing resentment against another. The degree to which we forgive other people is the degree to which we will be forgiven by God. No matter how much we beg forgiveness for ourselves, if we lack forgiveness for others, it will be lacking towards us from God.

It is only fair. We want something for ourselves, we should aid others in receiving it.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

"…before you were born I dedicated you…"

Posted on by

Jeremiah 1:5 “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I dedicated you…”

This was taken from the First Reading of the Mass today, the Fourth Sunday in Ordinary Time.

Meditate upon that. Think about that the next time you’re feeling worthless and discouraged. Especially of when others are tearing you down because of your alcoholism or addictions. Despite all that, God held you in His Mind and contemplated you from all eternity. And He had a plan for your life. Alcoholism may have in some way been a part of that plan, as strange as that seems. Sometimes we discover the whys of it in recovery. It can be a healing and a fulfillment. A point of joy or a reason for resentment. If the former, then the healing occurs. If the latter, then the addiction may never be overcome.

Knowing that God knew you and loved you before you were born sheds a certain perspective on the whole thing, and how one chooses to react is telling.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)