Category Archives: Grief

And so it begins… a cycle of anniversaries

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Six years ago today my Mom was taken to the ICU for reasons unknown at the time. We had thought it was related to her heart condition (she had surgery earlier in the year and a stent was implanted in her heart), but as it turned out she had a ruptured bowel.

She died from it on November 7th, but that is for a later post. But today begins a particular cycle of anniversaries of her final weeks, for the dates now fall upon the days-of-the week as they occurred in 2005, the first time this has happened since her death that year.

Not that it really makes these anniversaries any different, it is just another year. But somehow the coincidence of dates and days makes them a little more, I don’t know, poignant is a word that comes to mind. A special emotional feeling triggering the heart and mind in a way that is unique to the event.

I was originally going to post this at my other blog, The Four Last Things, and indeed later today an edited version of it may appear there, but I changed it to here for now as anniversaries of this sort can also be triggers for a relapse.

Those of us who are alcoholics have minds that are moody, even after years of sobriety (nearly 9 1/2 for me). Emotional mood swings and responses are not unheard of, even though they may level out and not seem as extreme as they were during the old drinking days or early sobriety. Nevertheless they are there and pose a risk.

Not that I am in danger of a relapse, I have no intention of drinking “despite” the anniversaries and certain other stresses in my life. But still I must remain aware of the dangers to my sobriety and continued ability to remain a responsible, contributing member of society.

Life just sucks at times and during those periods we have to just “suck it up” and deal with it as best we can, and accept help from whatever quarters it is offered. Pray a lot and reflect.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

The well do not need a physician, the sick do

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I have probably blogged about this Scripture passage before, but it bears mentioning again. The Gospel reading for today’s Mass (Saturday of the First Week of Ordinary Time) tells us that Jesus came here for the broken and wounded of humanity:

Mark 2:16-17: “Some scribes who were Pharisees saw that he was eating with sinners and tax collectors and said to his disciples, ‘Why does he eat with tax collectors and sinners?’ Jesus heard this and said to them (that), ‘Those who are well do not need a physician, but the sick do. I did not come to call the righteous but sinners.’“

(Via USCCB.)

He came for all who need healing. Regardless of the circumstances, if you are sick and suffering, alone and fearful, anxious and worried, He came to heal you. Turn to Him in the Mass, in the Eucharist and in Adoration, and He will heal you. It may take time, but the process begins.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Our Lady of Lourdes Novena for Alcoholics: Day 4

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Grief. Mourning the death of a loved one and dealing with how to fill the hole created in your life by the loss may be the biggest threat to an alcoholic’s sobriety.

The grand theological concepts of Faith such as an afterlife and a possible reunion with the beloved in Heaven only if you both have died in the grace of God might cause this to be an insurmountable situation for some. If just swept under the rug and avoided it becomes a landmine lying in the road of recovery we are trudging along.

Death. The landscape of your life has changed. The person is gone and is never coming back. One constant piece of advice offered in recovery is that you need to change how you react to things. This is fine for most events. Death is the one unavoidable and unalterable event. It happens to everyone. It will happen to you. How you react to it fundamentally defines your relationship with God and how strong your faith is.

If your religious and spiritual faith is strong and death is an accepted part of living, then you will cope with the loss in a manner that may ensure your sobriety’s survival. If you hadn’t encountered death yet, but have a healthy, viable and ongoing means of conversion (i.e. you’re into “spiritual progression”) you will have it rough as you adjust to this new thing, but you’ll survive. You may not want to, but you will. It is almost as if you are back at that “jumping off place”, that area in your drinking career when you’re at bottom and you know that drinking leads to death, and not-drinking may only bring a wish for death.

You learn that grief is not something to be avoided, but used. Grief is something you plow through, not work around.

As in other times, but perhaps more in this situation than in any other, the Blessed Mother is ready and able to help.

Pray:

Oh ever Immaculate Virgin, Mother of Mercy, Health of the Sick, Refuge of Sinners, Comfortess of the Afflicted, you know my wants, my troubles, my sufferings. Look upon me with mercy. When you appeared in the grotto of Lourdes, you made it a privileged sanctuary where you dispense your favors, and where many sufferers have obtained the cure of their infirmities, both spiritual and corporal. I come, therefore, with unbounded confidence to implore your maternal intercession. My loving Mother, obtain my request. I will try to imitate your virtues so that I may one day share your company and bless you in eternity. Amen

From: Prayers – Catholic Online: “Prayer to Our Lady of Lourdes”

NOTE: Reposted from last year.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

November: the Month of the Dead

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An excellent article by Susan Tassone appears in Spirit Daily: Spirit Daily – Daily spiritual news from around the world: “‘MONTH OF THE DEAD'”

(Via Spirit Daily.)

It reminds us that November is a particularly good month to remember our deceased loved ones.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Indulgences for the Holy Souls in Purgatory

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One of the things that you can do as a Catholic, and reconnect with your Catholic spirituality and heritage is to gain indulgences. Tomorrow, November 2nd, is the Solemnity of All Soul’s.One can gain indulgences by praying for them. See the link:

Indulgence for the Holy Souls in Purgatory

(Via Latin Mass.)

I shall attempt to write, either tonight or tomorrow, a post on what indulgences are. I had already done this, but the post for some reason crashed my blog editor. Not only crashed, but reverted it to an “Evaluation Copy”. I had to search around for the registration code I got when I purchased it, and re-registered it. Not too enthusiastic about re-writing it now!

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Solemnity of All Soul's

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On November 2nd we celebrate the Solemnity of All Soul’s. It is the day that we as Catholics offer up the Mass and pray for the deceased who are suffering in Purgatory. Here are links to two posts in a blog of mine that I had discontinued. (I thought I had transferred them to this blog, but I cannot find them in my editor) :

Purgatory

and

Prayers for the Dead and Dying

This is the Catechism of the Catholic Church’s teaching on Purgatory. It is authoritative, and is a required belief for Catholics:

Purgatory:

1030:All who die in God’s grace and friendship, but still imperfectly purified, are indeed assured of their eternal salvation; but after death they undergo purification, so as to achieve the holiness necessary to enter the joy of heaven.

1031: The Church gives the name Purgatory to this final purification of the elect, which is entirely different from the punishment of the damned. The Church formulated her doctrine of faith on Purgatory especially at the Councils of Florence and Trent. The tradition of the Church, by reference to certain texts of Scripture, speaks of a cleansing fire.

As for certain lesser faults, we must believe that, before the Final Judgment, there is a purifying fire. He who is truth says that whoever utters blasphemy against the Holy Spirit will be pardoned neither in this age nor in the age to come. From this sentence we understand that certain offenses can be forgiven in this age, but certain others in the age to come.

1032: This teaching is also based on the practice of prayer for the dead, already mentioned in Sacred Scripture: ‘Therefore [Judas Maccabeus] made atonement for the dead, that they might be delivered from their sin.’ From the beginning the Church has honored the memory of the dead and offered prayers in suffrage for them, above all the Eucharistic sacrifice, so that, thus purified, they may attain the beatific vision of God. The Church also commends almsgiving, indulgences, and works of penance undertaken on behalf of the dead:

Let us help and commemorate them. If Job’s sons were purified by their father’s sacrifice, why would we doubt that our offerings for the dead bring them some consolation? Let us not hesitate to help those who have died and to offer our prayers for them.“

(Via USCCB.)

Attend Mass on November 2nd. Remember the dead who have gone before you. Remember your deceased loved ones, family and friends, think of people long ago. Remember all those alcoholics and addicts who died a lonely death, still caught in the slavery of their addiction.

If you do not remember them, who will remember you after you have passed?

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

September 5, 1995. My father died.

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On this date in 1995 my father died.

He and I weren’t very close, (“fathers and sons …”) generational and attitudinal differences separated us.

As a result, I didn’t really grieve over his death. I mean, I was saddened and did feel the loss, but I wasn’t ripped apart by his death like I was over my Mom’s 10 years later.

This relative lack of impact was aided by the fact that I was 2,500 miles away and hadn’t seen him in 4 years.

I went home for his funeral, and reconnected with the family, but when I returned home to California I continued life as usual. I had started drinking heavily to cope with life’s problems a year before (failed romance) and my drinking picked up a little more upon my return, so that may have softened the need to grieve in a sober manner.

The point of this is that although I wasn’t too close to Dad during his life, I am much closer to him now. That would seem strange to non-Catholics, but for believers with a knowledge of the Communion of Saints, that shouldn’t seem strange at all.

Death doesn’t end a life. Death is just a passage from this life to another. This life is temporary, everything “is”, and then passes away to dust and a dim memory. The life after is eternal. Whether that life is spent in Heaven or Hell depends on what you do in your Earthly life.

There is a connection between those of us still here on Earth and those deceased. It is called, as I referenced in a previous paragraph, the Communion of Saints . (Via New Advent.) This is comprised of the “Church Militant” (those still on Earth), the “Church Suffering” (those in Purgatory) and the “Church Triumphant” (those in Heaven). Only the souls that have damned themselves to Hell are excluded.

“Communion” implies a community, wherein the members still can relate to one another. This relation is conducted by the means of prayer. We pray to the Church Triumphant and the Church Suffering for their intercessory power with God. We can somehow sense their presence (although admittedly that “sensing” may be wishful thinking).

They are there to help, comfort and console us. We are separated from them by the chasm of death, but that chasm can be crossed eventually by our own deathly passage.

I said earlier in this post that I am much closer to Dad now than while he was alive. I have grown to be much like him, at least with regard to the practice of my Catholic Faith. (I still haven’t taken up woodworking as a hobby, nor returned to fishing as a pastime, but may in time. I do enjoy yardwork, like he did, and love baseball, too.) I understand him better as the years progress and as I grow older.

To anyone who has lost a parent (or anyone beloved) to death, fear not. They are not gone from you permanently. Consider them as just having moved far away, and the distance you need to travel to meet with them again will take the rest of your life.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Departures from our lives

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Today, June 26th, is the fifth anniversary of my mother-in-law’s death. I never knew her as I met my wife in 2007, but through my wife she has had some impact on me. I would have loved her greatly.

A number of posts on this blog indicates that I think of death quite a lot. (I had a blog devoted to it, but I discontinued it and transferred most of its posts to this one. This is an edit of one of those.) It has impacted me in a number of ways in my adulthood, and has formed me into the person that I am now. Almost as much as sobriety has.

We have people in our lives. And then they are gone. Whether they are taken from us by death, or merely drift away by relocation or choices, people are with us until they are no more.

I think that each departure is a distinctly traumatic event in our lives. Each departure leaves a hole or a tear in our lives that may never be healed. Sometimes we are not aware that they should be healed, as in when somebody moves away or just drifts off. But these people were a part of the fabric of our lives, and were woven into the tapestry of our life. They go away, that tapestry is torn.

I think we all too casually feel we should just “move on” when someone goes away. I learned of this when my Mom died in 2005 and I went through grief counseling. My old AA sponsor suggested it, and I never knew such a thing existed for “ordinary” deaths. I thought it was just for extraordinary deaths like school shootings, natural disasters, terror attacks and major accidents like train wrecks and airliner crashes. But no, one can also attend when it’s only when your Mom that has died.

Perhaps we take for granted the people in our lives. Maybe we don’t feel that they will “go away” or somehow it won’t hurt. We rarely think of such traumatic change. Too painful.

I yearn for Heaven. Not in any suicidal way, but just so I can be reunited with the people I’ve loved and lost, and people I’ve never met but would be important to me anyway. And also because there would never be any parting. No one dies and no one moves away. We will be together forever.

There is in the 12 Step movements “Step 9”, which is the step where you make amends to people in your life that you’ve hurt because of your addiction. It’s an attempt to reconcile and to clear the air. Perhaps there won’t be a reconciliation, but at least the attempt was made. There is the possibility that people previously gone will be back.

Don’t underestimate the joy that may bring. There is too much loss in today’s world.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Mother's Day

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My Mom died just over 3 1/2 years ago (November 7, 2005). It’s been one heckuva ride since, from desires for death (suicidal or just praying for God to take me) through economic and financial instability to relocating to a new area for a cute lady and a new job, to marrying that cute lady and finding a better job.

Through it all has been my Faith. It has been the one constant and has kept me together.

I’d like to think that my Mom is among those watching over me. (Dad and a sister, too.)

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

My Parent's Wedding Anniversary

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My parent’s were married on April 15th. The year 1937 to be exact. They were married 58 years when my father passed away in 1995.

I do believe that they are in heaven and have interceded for me on a number of occasions. No proof, just a feeling.

I also believe that relationships do not die with death. This is also Catholic teaching, rooted in Sacred Scripture. We are members of the “Communion of Saints”, that “great cloud of witnesses” that St. Paul wrote about in Hebrews 12.

Relationships are transformed by death into something else. Perhaps a different type of love that we can only dimly feel, but nurtures us anyway in some fashion that we don’t entirely understand. Jesus taught us this when He died on the Cross. He died, yet remains with us in the Blessed Sacrament.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)