Category Archives: Fear

A fortnight of years in sobriety

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Today marks my 14th anniversary of my last drunk. I sort of remember it, although for years I couldn’t recall the exact time (as in hour/minute) I took my last drink. I still can’t. I won’t bother with the details of my last drunk as I’ve written about them before.

Question: “How’d I do it?” Answer: “One day at a time!!” Well, there’s more to it than that, but in essence the twelve step practice of taking each day as it comes does help.

Sometimes I have to take each hour as it comes.

Speaking of the Twelve Steps, yes, they are useful. A wonderful lifeline when other things are absent or insufficient. (Absent or insufficient because they have not been developed enough as a response to external factors that may create a desire to drink.)

My Catholic Faith was and is more useful. I do know that if I had to rely solely upon the spirituality of the Twelve Steps and meeting attendance, I’d be one of those poster children for relapses; “those people” you see who enter the program, “get it” for a while, and then go back out.

Once in a while there are stressors. Anxiety, isolation, economic concerns and so forth well up and I think, “Just one drink to take the edge off.” But no, I don’t. I get through it (“One hour at a time, one minute at a time…”) and move on.

At times like those I also grab my AA literature (the Big Book or 12 & 12) and get help that way. Sometimes I feel the need for a meeting, but don’t bother (I seriously am NOT a meeting person. Never was, never will be. Online recovery works for me. I visit In the Rooms a lot.)

Sometimes when I feel that way, that my Faith and other personal means to maintain sobriety aren’t working, and I feel the need to fall back on traditional fixes like “going to a meeting” or “calling a sponsor” then I assess the state of my Faith. Sincerely, the Faith is all one should need.

Jesus came to heal the broken and wounded. The sick. We are all that and so His Church and the sacraments and devotions should work. They have, for me and for others that I’ve run across over the years. But at times they seem to be “not enough.”

But that isn’t an indictment of the Faith, or possibly not even my practice of it. There’s a list of saints very long who have gone through frequent periods of spiritual dryness, times when the Faith “wasn’t there.” They persevered and discerned that it was God’s way of drawing them closer. It is a path of spiritual growth and development (see St. Teresa of Jesus, a/k/a St. Teresa of Avila.) We feel distant and therefore we persevere and strive on, or we abandon the path.

I stay on the path. (This must be why images and symbols of “the path,” “the road,” “the way,” “the journey” resonate with me.)

I have come to feel that in those times when I feel the urge to drink is strong, and I need to respond in a traditional twelve step way, that I need to work on my Faith. I need to make a Spiritual Communion, or meditate on the Holy Spirit and His indwelling in me, or talk to the Blessed Mother. If this sounds selfish to you who are avid and devoted Twelve-Steppers, so be it. For the most part, my experience with AA has been at variance with the common conception of a “fellowship.” It’s just one more organization where I am a misfit, despite trying.

To me, AA and meeting attendance are training wheels or a crib. Eventually you outgrow them. You learn to ride on your own without the help of training wheels, and you move out of the crib. Useful to understand alcoholism and get the basics of Twelve Step spirituality and how to change your way of thinking and responding to situations, but after a fashion, one should learn what the Faith has to offer.

We were created by God. We exist to love Him and serve Him in this life and to be united and happy with Him forever in the next life (Heaven.) To get through this life He has established a Church to guide us.

We are obligated and we owe Him the duty to fully explore that Church and the Faith that springs up around Her. This does not mean leaving AA, if that suits your sobriety and you really enjoy it, then fine. It can be considered a work of mercy. Perhaps even a source for friendships.

But working within a Twelve Step program shouldn’t come at the expense of your Catholic Faith; that is like continuing to eat pureed baby food when the bread of life is readily available.

That’s all I have to say! I’ve just been very reflective on my fourteen years, where I’ve been, am now and where I’m going, along with the means for the way.

Just trudgin’ my road of happy destiny.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Remember the lonely and the lost…

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Today is Christmas, the Solemnity of the Nativity of the Lord. For many people it is a happy day, a time for family gatherings with lots of food and gifts and good times with memories to last.

For others, not so much.

Remember those who are lost today. Those who are lonely, have no family, or if they do, are estranged from them. Those who wander about with no hope.

Remember those who are homeless.

Remember those who are jobless and have to endure the humiliation of that state when they gather with family. Being unemployed anytime is horrible enough, but around the holidays it can be particularly embarrassing and humiliating. The personal degradation that you feel while among family members and they know you are out of work. They look at you, speak to you…

Remember those who have to work today…

Remember those who are just going through a rough time; a time of transition and change. The worst Christmas I ever had was ten years ago, Christmas Day 2005. My Mom had died in early November and just before Christmas the executor of her estate informed me that I had to get out of the house (I had been living with Mom for the previous ten years) so the estate can move forward with the sale. I suppose that if I had thought about it at the time I might have coped better, being forced to move might have made me meditate and ponder on the homelessness and wanderings of the Holy Family as they were on the move for the census mandated by the Emperor. Not to put my situation on a par with theirs at all, but the issue could have been handled with far more compassion.

But the executor had little use for compassion and understanding as they are merely baggage that reminds one of your own humanity.

And so after being told that I had to leave within thirty days, I drove about the county in a suicidal mood. The roads were icy and snowy and I was seeking out an appropriate place to ditch the car with me in it in a fatal accident. The “eviction” was the last straw; having been a punching bag for the executor and held with cold indifference by certain other family members was enough. This nearly broke me. I did have the presence of mind to call my priest who “just happened to know someone” who might have an apartment to rent. He did, and so I spent Christmas Day 2005 moving, hauling carload after carload of possessions across town. Alone, just me, as there was no one available to assist.

I knew “aloneness.”

I apologize for the downer post on Christmas, but perhaps you can spend a few moments thinking about those who are spending Christmas in a situation not at all similar to a warm and rosy holiday setting. Offer something up to help them cope.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Try and make amends before it’s too late

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I blogged earlier about an online friend’s sudden death.

Given the nature of Sober Catholic, I will offer an exhortation to those who have yet to make amends to people they need to (or have to). Do so, for the time will come when they will die and the opportunity will be lost.

I understand perfectly well the resistance to approaching people and trying to make up for the damage done while drinking or drugging. Sometimes it is not possible as trying to will only do more harm than good. Use your conscience or speak with a sponsor or bring it up at a meeting, if needed.

But at least consider the possibility that they person may not be around when you finally decide to repair the relationship.

NOTE: The lady who died wasn’t someone with whom I needed to make an amends. Her death was sudden, and that is what prompted these posts.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

I am the Lady of the Rosary, I am your Mother

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70,000 people witnessed the last public Apparition of the Blessed Virgin Mary at the Cova da Iria, near Fatima, Portugal on October 13, 1917.

Why am I blogging about this now? To fulfill a commitment I made when I started blogging about Fatima last year, that up through 2017 I would blog on the Fatima Apparitions on or about their anniversary because I think the Fatima message is very important for Catholics, including those in whatever stages of addiction recovery they are in. (NOTE: even though the publication date should read “October 13, 2015,” the post was actually written in late November 2015.). Due to a variety of circumstances, including sloth and this and that and the other thing, I’m late with this piece.)

Why did this Apparition take place? The “Miracle of the Sun” happened, as promised, to prove the Apparition’s authenticity. The sun started dancing in the sky, defying all known laws of physics, and was seen many miles away (so it wasn’t a localized event.)

Perhaps it is fortuitous that I am late with this post. Why? “Aren’t you just grasping at straws, Paulcoholic, so it would seem as if you can fall down and still come up smelling like roses?” It seems I did the same thing last year: Last year’s late post on the Solar Miracle. Well, maybe. BUT, think about some of the events that have happened in the world these past few weeks, after this post should originally have come out. The terror attacks in Paris, Lebanon and Nigeria. World War III probably getting warmed up in the Middle East. An increasingly insane US Presidential election campaign season. These are all frightening and worrisome things.

What happens when you are scared, at least when you were a child? You’d go running to your Mom!

Mary is our Mother. She cares for us and since we are the adopted children of God, we are Christ’s brothers and sisters, and thus we are her children, too.

Pope St. John Paul II greeted the world upon his appearance to the world as Pope with the words, “Be not afraid.” It is said that those words in various forms appear 365 times in the Bible, thus letting us know that we are not to fear whatever is going on.

The Miracle of the Sun was frightening. Imagine if you were there, you see the sun dance and whirl about, seemingly plummeting to the Earth. But no one was hurt. No humans were harmed in the occurrence of this apparition. The fact that it happened was a reassurance to all of the reality of the apparition and of Mary. (Satan would NOT ahave had the power to do this.)

And so some words to all: “Be not afraid.” It is hard. But having Faith is. No matter what is going to be happening in the upcoming years, have Faith. Hold fast to the Church, grab your rosaries and USE THEM! pray the Rosary daily. Get the Diary of St. Faustina (see: St. Faustina and Divine Mercy. Make use of the upcoming “Year of Mercy”.

Easy? No, especially if we rely on our own resources. This is why we also need God’s graces, which are there for the asking. Pray. Go to Mass. Go to Confession. Read Scripture (a good CATHOLIC Bible.) Pray some more.

Be not afraid…

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Look at the Man!

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Today was the Solemnity of the Triumph (or Exaltation) of the Cross.

The Cross was a symbol of failure. Christ was condemned as a criminal and hung on a tree. One would expect His movement would just die shortly after. Humiliated, degraded, mocked, beaten and scorned, and finally given a grisly, horrific form of capital punishment. “Just go away already, vanish and take your followers with you,” was quite possibly the collective thought of the Jewish leaders and Romans.

But no, He rose from the dead, His movement continued and now numbers over two billion adherents. Some of whom even actually follow His teachings.

As sober Catholics, we should be taking the Cross as a sign of our victory. We died in our addiction, and in recovery (however it was accomplished) rose from the “dead.” We “nail it to the Cross,” with “it” being our fears, anxieties, trial and tribulations. We have a partner in Jesus Christ. He is our “Higher Power.”

Look at the Cross, especially one with the corpus of Christ on it. ESPECIALLY one like that, not the empty ones Protestants use. Look at the Man on it! He is your brother, Who suffered much worse than you ever did. Yet He did suffer. Even before His death He wept over the death of His friend, Lazarus. On the night before He died, He was “sorrowful unto death.” That is a heart- and gut- wrenching sorrow. For us it would feel as if there would be no end to it. He knew there would, but what He would have to go through…

Contemplate the Cross. He failed. And in doing so won us a victory.

Christ_of_Saint_John_of_the_Cross

“Christ of Saint John of the Cross” by www.dali-gallery.com. Licensed under Fair use via Wikipedia – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Christ_of_Saint_John_of_the_Cross.jpg#/media/File:Christ_of_Saint_John_of_the_Cross.jpg

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

And the Virgin’s Name was Mary

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Yesterday, September 12th was the Optional Memorial of the Holy Name of Mary. I had tried to wrte a post, but couldn’t come up with anything. I still can’t come up with anything terribly deep and profound (not that I often do 😉 ) but still feel compelled to write something. And so here goes an exhortation:

Call on Mary! Saints and mystics (as well as exorcists) have all commented that the name of the Blessed Virgin is terror for the demons. (Yes, there are demons.) Whenever you feel your sobriety is at risk, call upon the name of Mary! I isn’t some magic incantation or anything like that, the name of the Mother of God is a prayer unto itself.

As the Litany of Loretto indicates, Mary’s name comes with many attributes. She is known as:

Mother of Christ
Mother of divine grace
Mother most pure
Mother most chaste
Mother inviolate
Mother undefiled
Mother most amiable
Mother most admirable
Mother of good Counsel
Mother of our Creator
Mother of our Savior
Virgin most prudent
Virgin most venerable
Virgin most renowned
Virgin most powerful
Virgin most merciful
Virgin most faithful
Mirror of justice
Seat of wisdom
Cause of our joy
Spiritual vessel
Vessel of honor
Singular vessel of devotion
Mystical rose
Tower of David
Tower of ivory
House of gold
Ark of the covenant
Gate of heaven
Morning star
Health of the sick
Refuge of sinners
Comforter of the afflicted
Help of Christians
Queen of Angels
Queen of Patriarchs
Queen of Prophets
Queen of Apostles
Queen of Martyrs
Queen of Confessors
Queen of Virgins
Queen of all Saints
Queen conceived without original sin
Queen assumed into heaven
Queen of the most holy Rosary
Queen of families
Queen of peace

So, call your Mother. She’ll be there after all the names on the phone list you got at your first AA meeting didn’t answer.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Please help a USMC widow…

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Yesterday I blogged about my wife’s efforts to help the homeless, in Tents for the Homeless. Today is another day in which I’ll be exhorting you to consider another Work of Mercy: (a common theme in the Lenten Missal readings…)

Stephanie Price, Marine widow.

Stephanie and her late husband met on CatholicMatch.com, where I also had met my wife. We continued our friendship with Steph on Facebook, (her husband wasn’t a member.) Our little group of CatholicMatch alumni were devastated with the news of her husband succumbing to PTSD and depression.

To quote from the gofundme campaign: “Stephanie, his beautiful wife who stood by him and tried all she could to get him the help he deserved is now left to pick up the pieces of their family life.

She is the one who has paid it forward for so many. Now this is our opportunity to not only show gratitude for a friend, but to also say thank you for YOUR service, devoted wife of a US Marine who dedicated his life to improving our lives.”

So, for all those who “Support the Troops,” now is your chance to do something. Michael had served in three branches of the US military (Marines, Army, National Guard.)

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I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Fled to the Lord

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Esther was a Queen, and secretly Jewish and living in Persia. The Persian king Ahasuerus had decided to commit genocide against her people living in exile within his realm. She prayed to the Lord for deliverance for them.

An excerpt from the First Reading from today’s Mass on the Thursday of the First Week of Lent:

Eshter C: 12

“And Esther the queen, seized with deathly anxiety, fled to the Lord…”

via EWTN.

“Deathly anxiety,” some translations read “mortal anguish.” Anyway, we’ve all been there in the depths of our drinking or using. We reached that point where we have to decide, “Do I continue to drink and then die, or do I wish to stop and just wish I were dead? (knowing full well the pain of facing life without the crutch of alcohol).”

Be it mortal anguish or deathly anxiety, what would seem like an easy choice for most people is fraught with pain as you cannot see a way out.

And you have no recourse except to the Lord. For many of us, He sent someone or arranged a situation where we were pulled out. And sometimes we did not see the help offered.

Pray for those who still suffer…

(Lest anyone think I am making light of attempted genocide by linking Esther’s actions to a person suffering from addiction and seeking a way out; I am not. One goal of this blog is to link Sacred Scripture to recovery, even when the connection doesn’t really exist. Scripture is about salvation for all, God’s plan for humanity as revealed over time. At times we can draw something from Scripture that is not a direct connection with the original event.)

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

St. Onesimus

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February 16th is the feast day of a somewhat obscure Saint, which is odd as he figures prominently in a Letter of St. Paul.

In St. Paul’s Letter to Philemon, the Apostle reveals that Onesimus, a slave of Philemon who escaped, possibly with stolen property of his master’s, has been with him for some time and has been of valuable service. Onesimus has also been baptized and as such is now a brother in Christ to Paul and Philemon, as the latter is also a Christian. However Paul is convinced that due to the Christian charity that Philemon has shown in the past, he will take back Onesimus and greet him as a brother, equal in dignity and will not punish Onesimus or re-enslave him.

And so Onesimus is sent back to Philemon by Paul, with this Letter as a sort of greeting and passage.

I’ve always been intrigued by this. Imagine you’re Onesimus. You’ve been a slave. There must have been a reason why you escaped. Was Philemon cruel? Or did you just have an instinctive aversion to being considered property of another? You just saw an opportunity to leave and took it? Anyway, the punishment for escaped slaves was most likely death. Probably painful and not quick if you’re also guilty of theft. And now your new friend, whom you’ve been serving and who has treated you like an equal, a person, is sending you back to your old master. With full confidence that Philemon’s Christianity is all that is standing between you and a painful termination.

Would you want to return?

I didn’t think so. Me neither.

But Onesimus did. He probably did not go willingly, but apparently his faith in the Gospel of Jesus that Paul preached was enough to convince him that it is the right thing to do. So Onesimus’ faith overcame his possible very strong natural lack of inclination to return.

I think for that reason St. Onesimus should be of interest to alcoholics and addicts. Not that he was one, but we all do not want to do the things that we have to. Our addictive personality may make this disinclination stronger in us than in most people. “Normal” people can overcome unwillingness seemingly by just going ahead and doing the thing. But we have to use our spiritual toolkit to convince ourselves to “get going” and do the thing. We have our daily meditations, slogans and other aids to get us to do things that other people just do.

St. Onesimus can be our aid in this. Although I don’t think he is the patron saint of anything, he should be the Patron Saint of People Who Really Do Not Want to Do the Things That They Really Have to Do. ( I have to find a shorter, catchier term. “Patron Saint for People Who need Courage?” Still rather long…)

Read more on Saint Onesimus at SQPN.

Onesimus

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

An Exhortation to Persevere from the Book of Sirach

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While doing my morning meditations today I read the following passage from the Old Testament “Wisdom” Book, the Book of Sirach (Chapter 2, Verses 1-13). I found it to be a very good and hopeful exhortation to persevere in keeping faith with the Lord; for those who persevere to the end will be saved (as it says elsewhere in Scripture):

“Son, when you apply yourself to the service of God, stand in justice and in fear, and prepare your soul for temptation.
Humble your heart, and persevere. Incline your ear, and accept words of understanding. And you should not hurry away in the time of distress.
Endure steadfastly for God. Join yourself to God, and persevere, so that your life may increase in the very end.
Accept everything that will happen to you, and persevere in your sorrow, and have patience in your humiliation.
For gold and silver are tested in fire, yet truly, acceptable men are tested in the furnace of humiliation.
Believe God, and he will restore you to health. And straighten your way, and hope in him. Observe his fear, and grow old in it.
You who fear the Lord, wait for his mercy. And do not turn away from him, lest you fall.
You who fear the Lord, believe in him. And your reward will not be taken away.
You who fear the Lord, hope in him. And mercy will approach you, to your delight.
You who fear the Lord, love him. And your hearts will be illuminated.
My sons, consider the nations of men, and know that not one of them hoped in the Lord and was confounded.
For who has remained in his commandment and been abandoned? Or who has called upon him, and yet he despised him?
For God is upright and merciful, and he will forgive sins in the day of tribulation. And he is the Protector to all those who seek him in truth.”

via Sacred Bible: Catholic Public Domain Version

There are countless “Daily Meditation” books available for people to use. But the very best is one you probably already have, the Bible! Particularly the so-called “Wisdom” books (Job, Psalms, Wisdom, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, Song of Songs and Sirach). All can be taken and read daily in little doses.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)