Category Archives: Musings

Hope and Perseverance

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In light of yesterday’s Giving Glory to God post, I’m dusting off a draft that is related to it.

“Hope and Perseverance,” are two things that I can at least grab onto as things I do not lack. Despite this or that excuse or circumstance or “whatever,” every night when I go to bed I think of what I have done and what I have failed to do, and when dwelling upon the latter, I resolve to do better.

Every night, every day.

The “amount” of hope and perseverance may vary at time. Often I just feel like saying “to heck with it,” but the feeling never lasts.

I think that if I wake up every morning, God is giving me another chance at setting right whatever I failed to do the previous day.

In a way, this is like the 12 Step slogan, “Never give up five minutes before the miracle occurs.” This is with regard to finally “getting” sobriety of the 12 Step Program, but I think it applies to other things that you are yearning for: Do not quit, never give up, keep on at least TRYING to do whatever it is that you think God placed you on this Earth for. Eventually things may sort themselves out and become clearer and you’ll see the path to where you’re going, if not the actual results.

Keep on keepin’ on, people.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Giving Glory to God

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During my meditations this morning I decided to wander about outside and ponder things. One of the things I mused upon was my whole life in general. Basically, where I’m at versus where I’d rather be, and why there’s a chasm in between. Simple stuff. Part of this is because today is the Feast of the Transfiguration of Our Lord, and the beginning of what I’ve come to annually call Second Lent.

As usual in these situations, which occur frequently every few months over the past twenty-five years or so, I get rather deep and prying and this morning was no different. And as I often do during these times, I ponder my writing career or lack thereof. My blogging efforts have been added to the mix; it seems there’s no end to the list of things I think I’m lacking diligence and dedication in. 😉

I came to the conclusion, or realization, that despite whatever I may say otherwise, whatever my stated intentions, I do all of this writing and blogging for me. Me, me, wonderful me. The fiction writing, yes, that can be partially selfish inasmuch I’ve adopted the theory of writing-as-therapy. But any writing talent that I have is God-given and I should really be doing it for His greater glory. Same for this Sober Catholic blog and the online recovery stuff.

But no, I did some soul-searching and I honestly think I do it for recognition. I’ve gotten some, but nothing to really boost the ego to atmospheric proportions. Still, “Look at me!”

That shouldn’t be. We Catholics (all Christians, really) are supposed to be humble in considering our God-given talents and to use them to give glory to God as well as being of use to others.

So, using the skills or training that I learned in recovery, I am going to try to reorient and retrain my thinking and attitude. It is a recovery exercise after all. Humility is a tool that is essential to maintaining one’s sobriety. Selfishness is not conducive to good sobriety. Although I’m not in danger of a relapse, the added precaution is not a bad thing.

How? By sticking to a routine each morning of daily prayer first. Too often I stray away from it and justify it by thinking that my brain is too foggy to really concentrate on the Divine Office. I could say the Rosary and Chaplet of Divine Mercy, first. Brain is sufficiently awakened afterwards! If the first thing I do upon awakening is to put God first, I am victorious in my first battle of the day. I can build upon that.

Also, just recognizing the red flags of pride. Recognizing the “red flags” of some character defects was the first clue I had that 12 Step recovery was working some positive affects in my life, wayback when. I trained myself to recognize the tell-tale signs of anger, hostility, impatience, or whatever, as they were starting to erupt, and thus was able to quell them. I am not perfect, but I’m way less angry and impatient than I was back in the day. “OH, YEAH, WHAT’S THAT? YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME??? WHY I OUGHTA….” Oh, heh-heh. 😉 Thinking that “Oh, I should blog today!” as if that of itself is important. Sure, it may be to a number of people. I have received numerous emails over the years from people expressing gratitude for Sober Catholic. But honestly, and this may sound strange, but in doing it for me (at least subconsciously thinking that, and occasionally consciously thinking it), I thereby reserve the “right” not to bother with it. Hence, my not blogging as often as I should. Or writing my fiction as often as I should.

(This may connect with my relationship with Jesus that I discovered a year ago that is lacking in actual substance. It is a blogpost long overdue, so perhaps I’ll set about myself and correct it.)

And so I think I can apply the same concepts to redirecting my attitude towards my blogging and fiction writing. Personal therapy, sure; feelings of satisfaction, fine; but ultimately the first reason for writing or blogging has to be to give glory to Him who made me and who gave me whatever talent I have, and whatever mission I was assigned.

It may instill a better sense of personal responsibility. Since we are to “…seek first the kingdom of God and his justice, and all these things shall be added to you as well,” this sense of personal responsibility will engender a greater faith in Divine Providence, as “these things” are basic living needs. But also, this strengthens our partnership with God. Our relationship with Him flows both ways. We seek Him and give glory to Him in our works, He provides for us in ways we may not see right away. He didn’t need to create us, but did so anyway as He is Love, and Love creates. Love needs something else to love. It cannot be directed to the self. Self-directed love is self-absorption and destructive (“destructive” being the opposite of “creative”). So, we do things not for ourselves, but for others. That we may also benefit is a side point. So, doing this for Him, is doing it out of love. Not a selfish love, but one that is outward-directed. Creative!

The resulting creative-ness builds upon itself as there is inherent joy in doing good for others, if that doing good is the happy consequence of faith. Sort of like the Scriptural mandate that “works alone” do not suffice so that we may not boast of them and think we can merit Heaven on our own.

I think I am starting to wander off-topic and so I’ll close for now.

(Incidentally that passage, “Seek first the kingdom…” from Mathew 6:33 was one of the names I was thinking of for this blog, back in 2007. Turns out it had been taken many times by other bloggers. I don’t think any were Catholic.)

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Eleven years sober, today

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Today I celebrate 11 years of sobriety. It is also the Feast day of St. Rita of Cascia, known as the patron saint of lost causes. Based upon my early struggles with trying to figure out AA and to stop drinking, she is a fitting patron for me. Her, as well as Matt Talbot, who is the usual patron saint for ex-drunks.

I certainly felt like a lost cause.

It has been an interesting 11 years, I have been through a lot, both good and bad. And despite not having been a regular “meeting-goer” since 2004, have had no greater or lesser desire to drink. And this is even in spite of the many fundamental life changes that have occurred which quite often spell “relapse” in people. From the pit of despair when my Mom died in 2005, to the heights of happiness and hope with my marriage to the wonderful Rose in 2008, it’s been one wild ride. Jesus, thank you. Holy Spirit, thank you. Blessed Virgin Mary, thank you. St. Rita of Cascia, thanks! Matt Talbot, you too, “Thanks!” And me, for remembering to “practice all these principles in my affairs,” I thank me! 😉

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Year of Faith

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On October 11, 2012, the “Year of Faith” began. Announced a few months ago by Pope Benedict XVI, the latest in a series of  “Years of…” is intended to aid Catholics in learning more about their Faith. Given the horrific catechesis since the 1960’s and the woeful knowledge of the Faith that too many Catholics now possess, this is long overdue.

The general idea is that Catholics learn about the Faith through reading the Catechism, becoming better acquainted with the Bible, study the documents of Vatican 2 and maybe get involved in whatever Diocesan- or Parish- based programs that are being offered.

I waited a while in blogging about it, as I wanted to see just how well I was doing regarding my own plans. And so here it is.

I am doing two things, and will start a third.

The two things that I am doing are reading a few sections or pages of the Catechism as a part of my Morning Prayer. I had been doing this off-and-on, but since the Year of Faith began, way more on than off.  😉 In the evening I have been reading the Documents of Vatican 2. I have found that they are not as dry or inaccessible as I had thought and am thinking that perhaps if more people actually read them back in the 1960’s, we’d be better off today and could have dispensed with the silly “Spirit of Vatican 2” nonsense long ago.

The third thing that I will be doing harkens back to the reason I started this blog way back in 2007. That is to reach out to Catholics who have fallen away from their Faith due to their alcoholism and/or subsequent participation in a secular or non-denominational recovery programs. Too often in my experience in Twelve Steps I have witnessed Catholics leaving the Church due to their exposure to non-Catholic spirituality and the effects of “indifferentism.”  Indifferentism is the sin that “it doesn’t matter what you believe in, as long as you believe in something.”

And so I will try and delve into the core values of this blog and its primary purpose. I will endeavor to link things like Scripture and the Catechism to recovery, more so than perhaps I have done. Not that I have strayed away from that, but I think I can do better than I have been.

At any rate, I hope to make it more obvious to Catholics in recovery the very existence of this blog, and to perhaps bring more of them along for the ride.

Here are some excellent web resources to help your Year of Faith journey:

Home Page of the Year of Faith

Catechism of the Catholic Church – Table of Contents

The Holy See – The Roman Curia – Congregations – Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith

The Holy See – Archive


Aleteia (Beta): Seekers of the Truth

BIBLIACLERUS

Inter Mirifica.net – Catholic Mass Media Directory

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Stayin’ Alive

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Well, 10 years ago today was my first full day of not drinking. I wouldn’t say sober as “not drinking” and “sober” aren’t the same.

Earlier this year, in February, I had posted about what would have been my original sobriety date: An Almost Anniversary: February 3, 2002, Part 1 and An Almost Anniversary: February 3, 2002, Part 2

Earlier this week I mentioned that I’d write about the 88 hours of sleeplessness I endured and survived. They were dominated by hallucinations.

These next posts over the next few days will be about the hallucinations. I had never written them down before and will take this long overdue opportunity to do so.

But first, a musical interlude:

Yes, “Stayin’ Alive” by the Bee Gees. It was one of the hallucinations I experienced during those 88 hours. Not the video, just the “ha…ha…ha…ha… stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive…” section, repeatedly, for a few hours after 70-odd hours of sleeplessness had passed. I kept hearing that in my left ear, with an audio quality reminiscent of a 1970’s era inexpensive little Japanese transistor AM pocket radio.

I only lead off with this hallucination due to the recent death of Robin Gibb.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Ten Years Sober, today

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Today marks the 10th anniversary of my sobriety.

I was trying to come up with some wise and profound reflections to mark the event, but nothing much came up. Kind of sad really, but ten years is still ten years. A remarkable accomplishment, if I say so myself considering what my very early period of AA meeting attendance was like and that it took about 7 months of attendance before I sobered up. And that was largely due to being physically unable to go to a liquor store to resupply myself, rather than some “spiritual awakening as a result of the Steps.”

Perhaps that is one of the reasons I relapsed in May of 2002. Not to place blame or credit where any is due, but I had just nonchalantly wandered into my favorite liquor store one May day and bought a pint of vodka. I remember feeling alternately stressed over an impending visit by a family member (a usual cause of stress in those days) but also feeling good. I puzzled over all that wayback then. I gave up trying to discern the why’s of my return to drinking after 3 1/2 months, it just happened for whatever reason. Three-and-a-half months of sobriety isn’t much to mull over.

And so I drank again for a couple of weeks. On May 21, 2002 I went to an AA meeting at my Home Group and read “How It Works” from the “Big Book” with a slurred voice. And so the meeting became about me. It is the custom that when a member relapses, the others in attendance discuss the first 3 Steps. I do not remember anything that was said, except feeling shamed and grateful.

I returned the next day, and it was a newcomer’s meeting. (My old Home Group did not have the custom of separating newcomers from old timers. All were grouped together.) I left, feeling like a hypocrite.How could I say that AA worked when I had failed? That was my thinking.I left because I felt I had zero credibility. Irresponsible, yes. But that is what I did.

I went to eat dinner at a Chinese restaurant, and afterwards stopped by my favorite liquor store again and bought a liter of vodka. I nursed myself to sleep with that, later that evening.

When I awakened the next day, that would be the last sleep I would have for 88 hours…

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Going outside to get outside

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I am taking advantage of some warm temperatures and am blogging from outside. It is near 60 degrees out, and despite being a wee bit chilly with the breeze, I am insistent upon staying outdoors with my MacBook and blogging.

I am basically saying this, that aside from being a little cabin-feverish from being inside all winter, and “enjoying” the outdoors only by rushing to the vehicles to go somewhere, or to get quickly back inside, I need to get outdoors for a bit to “get outside” myself. I think I have blogged on this theme before. The idea is that one cure for what ails you is to go outdoors. By going outdoors and into nature (or whatever passes for it where you are) you can escape for a while the narrow confines of the traps your minds sets for you. The stinkin’ thinkin’ that alcoholics and addicts find themselves in is not easily discarded. One good way is to immerse yourself in something greater than yourself.

I believe Pope Blessed John Paul II said somewhere that believers should go outside to meet God. In nature you find the Lord. He created it, and in His works you can find Him. This does not mean, of course, that you can dispense with Church. In Church (Catholic ones) He is truly really Present. But outdoors, in nature, He is spiritually there, and so you can connect with Him on a different level. Meeting Him in nature is like showing up at a friend’s house “as you are,” no need to get dressed up and be your best. (Although from the Masses I attend, people seem to take this attitude to Church.)

Going outside helps you to get outside of yourself. You get a shift in perspective. Hopefully, a perspective shift that causes a change in attitude.

Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics — A SoberCatholic.com book

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

An Almost Anniversary: February 3, 2002, Part 2

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I do not know what happened later in the evening, but for some reason I had to get out of the house. I do not remember at all what was “terrorizing” me, but I had to leave the house. Maybe my teeth were “falling out” and I had to run to, I don’t know, the hospital maybe, but I had to get out. I do recall freaking out and scaring my Mom. I got out of the house and was running around out front. Bear in mind that this was February, in Central New York State. Very cold and snowy and I wasn’t dressed for it. My Mom was running outside pleading with me to go back in. I kept yelling at her to go back inside. (She wasn’t wearing her robe or coat.) For some reason, perhaps my guardian angel was grabbing onto me, but I felt restrained from pushing my Mom back inside. I recall getting really angry with her, but felt restrained in doing anything about it.

There was an audience. The staff and residents of the nursing home across the street were watching.

I think I got back inside the house. Not for long as I was back outside. Mom had called 911 (maybe I told her to). And so I was outside waiting for the ambulance to come and get me. (Maybe this was when she was trying to get me back inside.)

I remember hallucinating that there was a parade of ambulances driving down the street, avoiding my house. I kept getting angry that they weren’t stopping. I kept shouting and waving for them to stop and get me.

Finally, a real ambulance actually did stop. I was being wrapped up in a straight-jacket. The family from next door had returned from somewhere and had gathered around watching all this while I was screaming at the EMT guys that I was the Mayor and “don’t you know who I am?” I swear the EMT guys were trying to figure out if I was telling the truth, but that may have been a part of the hallucination. But I do think they were asking each other about that.

I also remember hallucinating that a TV crew from the New York Times was out front in the street filming. Yes, I know they’re a newspaper and not a TV network, but “New York Times” is what it said on the cameras. This is MY hallucination. Maybe the EMT’s had radioed that the Mayor was drunk and being taken away in a straight-jacket and they heard and sent a film crew to cover it. (I did not claim to be the Mayor of New York City, just of the small town I lived in.)

I don’t remember anything else of that day. I don’t remember the trip to the ER or the initial few hours at the hospital. I actually don’t remember too much of the hospital, outside of urinating in the hallway by the nurse’s station, getting really ticked off when I kept getting awakened in the middle of the night to be given a sleeping pill, and also having my Confession heard for the first time in years. (I was assigned 55 Hail Mary’s for penance.)

I was there for 6 days and $10,500. I paid it all off over the next 3 1/2 years from savings. I was unemployed and had no health insurance. People NOW tell me I might have been eligible for Medicaid, and that might have paid for it. Sure, NOW I’m told that. The $10,500 would be very handy about now.

Well, that is it for now. More hallucination stories are on their way, especially when I get to May 2002. (Not going to wait for May 2012 to write about them. Perhaps over the next few weeks or so.)

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

An Almost Anniversary: February 3, 2002, Part 1

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Ten years ago today would have been the 10th anniversary of my sobriety date. I relapsed 3 1/2 months later, in May 2002. Why I did that is a matter of pointless pondering and contemplation. After only a few months of sobriety, the why’s are useless. One doesn’t have enough of sobriety, the tools haven’t settled in. I know some old-timers in AA who disregard relapse stories if the sufferer had less than 5 years of sobriety. To me, the cutoff is 1 year. Perhaps 2.

Anyway, I kind of dimly remember the events of February 3, 2002. Most of it is fuzzy. As a consequence of that this post may not sound all that sensible. I don’t much care as I was thinking yesterday that since this is the year of 10th anniversaries for me and my recovery and reversion to the Church, I think I’ll start documenting all that. Memory is strange and I’ll remember what I can. So, SoberCatholic.com may start to resemble one of those “personal blogs” of recovery so popular in the recovery community. It hasn’t, after all, been too terribly successful in generating a groundswell of support in favor of a Catholic-based recovery community or movement. So it may as well be a personal blog, documenting my recovery and reversion.

I had stopped drinking earlier in the day, and was prone to withdrawal symptoms after just a few hours or so. Based on the calendar I just checked, it was a Sunday, and I might have missed Mass for “not feeling well.”

Throughout the day I became aware of problems with my teeth. They seemed to be loosening. I remember I kept going into the bathroom and checking myself in the mirror. Yes, the teeth seemed to me to be wobbly, and also splitting down the middle. This concerned me and I kept telling my Mom that I think I “need to go to the dentist tomorrow”. For some reason she didn’t seemed all that interested. (Who knows what she must have been thinking, my behavior the previous few weeks was erratic. To say the least.)

So. My teeth seemed to me to be loosening and on the verge of falling out.

And then I got scared…

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)

Revived Catholic-based recovery network possibly starting on Monday (Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe)

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There is a tentative plan for a new Catholic-based recovery network to start on Monday, the Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe. OLG has nothing to do with addiction recovery, but I just think that it would be nice to start it on one of Mary’s holidays.

I have sent emails to the people who have expressed interest in joining, and this is a reminder to them and especially anyone else. If you would like to be notified, please email me at paulcoholic at gmail dot com.

I am also tentatively thinking of starting it on Yahoo, as an email subscription service (the idea is described here: Reviving a Catholic-based recovery network. But, in short, discussion on recovery issues and personal struggles are conducted by way of emails. Anonymity is assured, if you so desire it. That is basically up to you and what email address you use and what the username is. BTW, the email address need not be a Yahoo.com one. Any email address can be used for a YahooID. If not, then a Yahoo.com email address is free anyway, so no trouble there.

I have a new book! "The Sober Catholic Way" is a handbook on how anyone can live a sober life, drawn from over 17 years of SoberCatholic posts! It's out now on "Amazon," "Apple Books," "B&N" and and others!"!

My two other books are still available! "The Stations of the Cross for Alcoholics" and "The Recovery Rosary: Reflections for Alcoholics and Addicts" (Thank you!!)